[#593] Dear Agony

Leave me alone
God let me go
I’m blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There’s nothing left

Breaking Benjamin, ♫Dear Agony

When the idea for this blog first came into my brain I wasn’t 100% sure how I wanted to go about it or how it would be received; I had to keep in mind that this is predominantly my space and I choose what is posted here. Very little do I like to talk about myself in any capacity even though I’m told that it is a Leo trait to be about yourself.

This site has always been about emotions in every degree you can think of. One day I might post something like I am today and the next post could be funny, light hearted, romantic or even *gasp* sexy. That’s just how this journey called life goes and one cannot exist without the other and that is what I personally believe.

The song I’ve chosen, “Dear Agony” could be construed many different ways. It can be looked at as someone with depression and suicidal thoughts or it could be thought of as someone dealing with an addiction/substance abuse problems and are seeking a means to pull themselves out of their predicament. The way it is personalized for me is that I deal with pain on a consistent basis due to chronic back issues that I have had for over 10 years that have no way of ever being normal. In a sense I feel like I’m slowly drowning sometimes with the knowledge that down the road it will likely reach a point that I don’t want to think about and that is what lead me to setting up the scene as I did.

Somehow I have willed myself to stay off of any mainstream painkillers but some days getting out of bed feels unbearable but I don’t want to be confined to staying in one spot all the time. I’m not in a position where a surgical procedure is required and even if it were a possibility the chance of it making my situation worse is too risky for me to consider.

This song resonates for me because I constantly wish to be in a place where I was before all of this started but I know it isn’t possible. I get through by being creative in a virtual world that I can do whatever I please and the photos I take that turn into these blogs are something that keeps my mind off of everything else. I don’t necessarily like putting stuff like this out in the world because I’m not a martyr, I’m just a person that struggles like everyone else. Perhaps it is something that when someone reads it they think “This person is like me, they understand the kind of thing I’m going through”. This struggle has put me in some dark places but I refuse to let it pull me in completely.

I may not enjoy sharing pieces of my life in detail but I don’t regret it either.

Okay…so I’m done with the heavy stuff now and I can get into the fun part of the blog which is about events, products, and the creation process and not necessarily in that order. I’m not quite sure how I managed to pull off getting this image to be even remotely close to how I saw it in my head but I can say that trying some new things might have helped.

Last year I entertained the thought of giving the Black Dragon viewer a try because many of my peers were doing some really cool things with it. I installed it and for me it was complicated enough that I said to hell with it and let the idea go that it might help my work out. It wasn’t until a few nights ago that I chose to give it another try and the worst that could happen is that I get frustrated and ditch it again. This time around though I watched helpful tutorials and took some of the confusion out of it and modeled my settings after the ones used by one of my favorite pose makers who uses it for their photos.

I’d like to know if you think if it’s made a difference?

I feel very fortunate that Modulus has quite a few releases at various events at the moment because I can keep my hair game on point. The Men’s Department is where the “Troy Hair” can be found and I remember when the product ad first showed up on Facebook, my friend Jason, said that he felt everyone had a stuck up Troy in their lives. I can say that I’ve never had the pleasure or displeasure of knowing anyone named Troy personally. So Jason if the Troy you knew wasn’t on your favorite list you can just look at this photo and take satisfaction to know I drowned him! (That’s a bit much but my humor is odd sometimes).

With the angle of the camera and the way the hair naturally flows it gives the effect of movement in the water as longer hair does when you are swimming. It’s not always easy when going for realism to get something to work without manipulation but I choose not to. Manipulating anything (especially products from a store I blog for) wouldn’t be right but luckily for me with Modulus I don’t have to.

Modulus – Troy Hair

  • 100% original “nex-gen” alpha mesh
  • 5 color tone packs + integrated tinting HUDs to choose from
  • 40 color FATPACK also for sale
  • Exclusive to TMD until 02/27/19

For the outfit, I’m wearing some items that I had in my closet and I’m super certain have blogged in the past. Usually I tend not to go into extensive detail about those. That’s how I feel about items that are at least more than 2 or 3 months old (in this case at least a year). To be honest I give the most coverage to my brands and events that have new things out and also if there’s something that I find outside of that which excites me then I’ll make that a main feature as well.

This photo would not have been possible without the “Serene Pool” skybox from Paparazzi. This highly detailed indoor pool room comes complete with materials and lighting to give it a very realistic look for photography and it looks even better in the Black Dragon viewer with the right settings. There were actually several other ideas I had for this skybox but ultimately the photo that resulted from this shoot was my main idea. There’s nothing saying that I can’t use it again in the future for another blog taken from the vantage point from above the water right?

On that note, I think it’s time for me to wrap this blog post up so I can get it out into the universe as I am super proud of how the picture turned out. It may be the idea of it being the first one I’ve ever done with the Black Dragon viewer but I feel like it has a different feel to it then some of my previous work and time will tell the story of if I stick with this method or go back to what I was done.

Now I’m off to go crank some tunes and put a new look together for a little idea I have for the next blog. For all of you out there that might have experience with any of the feelings this blog might have brought about, we’re all in this together and we just have to do whatever is necessary to live our best lives. Take care until the next one everyone.

Kindest regards,

Brennan


POSE: Nexus (MP) – Hypoxia Pose Set

SKYBOX: Paparazzi (Store / MP) – Serene Pool

HAIR: Modulus (Store / MP) – Troy Hair @ TMDNEW

TANKTOP: Boo’s Designs – Rob Tank Top ~ Ribbed ~
JEANS: INVICTUS – Jeans Strong 17

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